The pain has been unbearable.
Sometimes I don't think I can handle another minute.
There are days I take a shower just so I can cry without the kids seeing any more of my tears.
There is so much fear, rage, and hurt that my body actually aches from the weight of it all.
I can't even get reprieve during my dreams- they are filled with legalities, court room scenes, and demeaning talk from him.
Even if I want to curl up in bed and never move again, I know I can't which makes the feeling worse.
Knowing I have to be strong makes me feel even more weak.
There are moments in my day that everything will be going perfectly then one thing passes through my mind and crushes me.
It hurts beyond words to think that someone can be disrespected as much as I have been.
It hurts beyond words to know that this is happening, that this is happening to me and especially to my children.
It hurts beyond words knowing that I gave everything I had and it was worth nothing to him.
You can't understand how devastated I feel.
There are no words.
I have "can not survive another moment depression" moments but I have to limit my time in the pits of despair-for myself, for my children, and I can't give him that satisfaction.
After my moments, I pick myself back up. I feel a little taller, a little stronger, a little more angry.
After my moments I tell myself, "This is not your fault." "I will not let him control me anymore." "I will be better." "I am a good person despite what he has made me believe."
I get so angry about what he has done to me, not just leaving me, not just leaving my children. But what he has done to my mind. He has made me feel worthless. He has made me believe that I am. He has made me doubt myself and my abilities to even think clearly. He has made me feel ugly and stupid. He has manipulated. He has called me a bitch. He has yelled in my face, literally.
It terrifies me how extreme the emotional abuse has been. It has made me terrified of other men, future relationships, and even watching other relationships around me. I feel like a shell of my former self. That scares me more than anything. Can I get "me" back? Will this pain ever stop? Will I ever find forgiveness for him?
I've hidden my feelings for so long, I worry if they are just in my head. I've hidden from the world for so long that I don't know what's normal. I've hidden what's really been going on in my relationship for so long that I worry what other people think.
I'll continue to try and move forward.
I'll continue to work on sorting everything out, one naptime at a time.
I'll continue to reteach myself.
I'll continue to crawl until I can walk.
