Long Absence

Hello to my faithful friends and family...

I have a few new projects in the works so I hope that you'll join me on this little adventure.
Here are a few updates to satisfy as well...

Tristan is now 11 weeks old and is a healthy, happy, chubby baby. He's smiling a lot and trying really hard to act older than he really is.

Aiden is handling the separation alright. He's back to sleeping in my bed every night and cries randomly but I'm trying to be strong enough for all of us during this time.

I'm doing alright as well. There are definitely hard times where I don't think I can function another minute. But then I remind myself that I have to be strong and push through to better myself and my children.

I also have realized how good I do have it. I have AMAZING family and friends who have supported me not only financially but emotionally and with the boys as well. I truly am blessed.

I Have Been Blessed

3 weeks and 3 years

The other day I had a rough one.
Aiden was being good but very touchy, talky, and in my space.
Tristan wouldn't stop crying screaming his head off, throwing up, or just be ok with me not holding him while...you know...I peed.
I cried a little, got really frustrated and finally just went to bed.

The next day I had a counseling appointment and a holistic healing appointment
and when I got home I felt A-MAZING!

Then when my boys were clingy I could actually appreciate it.
Especially in the midst of a local family losing 2 of their 3 children in a violent storm.

I soaked in every moment of my oldest holding onto my arm
and my youngest nursing and sleeping cuddled in my arms.

I try to remember to love when my son comes in at 7am to crawl in the now empty side of my bed and relax in the dark with me until I finally drag myself to an upright position.

And I do.
I love having cuddly boys.
They make me feel complete.

I love the messes they make, their cries, their little hands that seem to get every where, I love their smiles, and I love knowing they are all mine.

I'm trying to soak in every moment I can because I know that they are passing way too fast.

And I don't want to miss a thing.

Life Like I Never Knew

My life has now imploded on top of me.

My husband left me.

Gone as of Saturday.

Don't get me wrong he's still in the picture, seeing his kids, helping pay for bills, but he's not in our home any longer.

I have no idea where things are going next but I don't have much hope right now.

I started seeing a counselor but he says he will not see or talk to anyone--that we can work this out ourselves. I have to say...if we haven't worked ANYTHING out in the past three years...we aren't going to-without help.

I'm more concerned about how this will affect our kids, we're adults and we'll manage, but they are too young to fully understand. Especially Aiden, he's old enough to know something is different but not why.

Please pray for my now-broken family. Pray for healing, understanding, and for whatever God thinks is best to happen.

Hello, My Name is Tiffany and I have ADHD

Yup, that's right Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I have known I've had it since I was very young but only now do I realize the havoc it has wreaked on my life, every single part of it.

I have a hot temper which gets set off very quick.
I speak/act before I think.
I overreact to things said to me and actions of others.
When I leave a social situation I beat myself up for possibly sounding stupid or acting a certain way.
I can't finish projects I start (I have 6 crochet projects going on right now...).
It feels like there's about 10 things going on in my head at once. (Which is why I get overwhelmed with noise easily.)
I can NEVER sit still.
I talk a lot. A LOT.
I have to do at least two things at once most hours of the day.
And as an adult I have to have things scheduled, organized, and planned to death, just to feel like I have some sort of control. (Which also explains why I have to have my way all the time, which makes me look like a controlling wife)

All this explains soo much! It explains why when Mike and I have an argument I seem to only make things worse, and I overreact, and just why we butt heads to begin with.

All of this makes me feel incredibly crazy. Like I might go off the deep-end crazy. But I know I can control it, and without medication. I know because I know I'm strong enough, that and there are people around me who can help and support me.

So if any of this sounds like you, it might be worth looking in to. Just know you're NOT crazy. This is a daily struggle for me and at times I can feel very anxious and even depressed which explains some of my posts here and on Facebook. But here are some sites for help.

http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm
http://www.adult-adhd.com/

My Mother's Day

Well Mother's Day for me was a special treat,
especially after the horrendous disaster of my birthday...

Hubby had to work the night before and morning of Mother's Day so I was alone with those that made me a mother in the first place,
and I woke up with both boys in my bed and it was wonderful but as soon as I got up
I got grumpy.

It was because all I saw was the mess ALL around me, and as I was sitting on the couch holding my youngest and having a pity party I realized my sweet older one was outside playing on the patio
by himself on a glorious morning!

I thought to myself:
Why am I sitting in here when I could be spending time with him outside?!

So out I went. I got out our new lawn chairs, got my favorite coffee, and just sat. I watched Aiden play and nursed Tristan and texted with my husband until it got too hot.

Then when Hubby got home he managed to get a card AND gift to surprise me.
Now when it comes to gift-giving my husband tries hard but I am a hard woman to please...He gets me things he thinks I want instead of what I actually ask for.

But this time he nailed it!

He got me a Willow Tree statue of two brothers. I have been wanting to our collection of one for a long time now and what better one to choose than one that represents those that actually made Mother's Day for me!

Then he told me I could order the rings I've been wanting for awhile (Handmade with initials from Etsy) and that he would have but he didn't know how I wanted them made. No problem :)

THEN he said he would either make me dinner or we could go out, I chose go out since I don't get that option too often. :)

And while he took a much needed nap (after working 16 hours straight) I took the time to relax, watch a movie I'd been wanting to see for sometime, visit my dearest mom, and took one more longing look at the messiest house ever and said "Eh, that's what tomorrow's for."

And that was that.

Happy Mother's Day.

Update Time!!

Alrighty sorry for the LONG absence! Wow life with 2 kids is crazy! Here's what has been going on...

After coming home from the hospital very late the day after little Tristan was born we spent a few days recovering and introducing everyone to our newest edition. On day 5 of his life we had a normal checkup with the doctor-that turned into soo much more. They realized he was very yellow/orange looking so they tested him for bilirubin and found that it was 18.5, so they decided to admit him to the hospital. We stayed there for 4 long, excruciating days while waiting for his levels to go down. The whole time he got 7 tries for an iv (finally getting it on the last try...), over a dozen heel pricks, and a whole days worth of bili-lights. His levels got as high as 21 while we were there :( but by the time we left it dropped to 15.3. We did have some follow up appointments with the doctor and to get his blood drawn to watch his levels, which ended up climbing again! So we finally made the sad decision to put him on formula for 24 hours to see if it was my breastmilk pumping bilirubin back into him (I did supplement with breastfeeding though!). And a day later it was down one whole point so the doctor gave us a day off of getting blood drawn and by the time we got it tested again he was at 12! So he's finally in the clear!

Since then we've just been trying to adjust, spend time with Aiden, and keep up with everything going on in the real world. :)

Here are some pictures!! I'll be posting the birth story soon :)

I tried to organize the pictures but I got tired of shuffling them into just the right order...

Our cat and Tristan :)

Big brother holding Tristan for the first time.

After his first bath...

I just thought this was cute ;)

First cloth diaper!

This is when we were at the doctor's office before getting admitted to the hospital. See...very pumpkin-like.

My poor baby in the hospital, at one point he had 5 wires attached to his little orange body.
Under the bili-lights.
Getting better! Look at those big hands! All the nurses talked about how big they were and how strong he is. :) He was working on holding his head up at 11 days old!

Well I hope I didn't bore anyone too much. Thanks for sticking with this proud momma. :)

Welcome To The World...

Tristan James!
We ushered our new little boy into the world Thursday, April 7th at 12:49pm!

He weighed in at a whopping 7lbs and measured in at 20.5 inches.

Birth story and pictures to follow.

Whoa! It's been awhile!

I have been putting it off and putting it off, but it's about time to update this thing, huh? Here's a quick run through of what's been going on, with some pictures to share.

*I am now one day away from 37 weeks preggers. I had an appointment the other day where the midwife told me I was already 3 cm dilated and 70% effaced!! Woo Hoo! (Mind you Aiden hung out at 3 cm also for weeks and came right before he was due, it just means my body is doing what its supposed to). O and I'm measuring right where I should be with this baby, unlike Aiden who measured at least 3 over what was "normal."

*I had an absolutely beautiful, joyous baby shower!! It had a bird theme, which I loved since it wasn't too- THERE'S A BABY COMING!! type of theme. :) Plus I had amazing ladies there to share it with, along with my best friend who flew in from out of state. And all the ladies said how tiny I looked, which made me feel very good!

*I've started making crochet animals for some friends (for a little extra $ on the side).

*Hubby got to take a much needed mini vacation over spring break where he got a new tattoo. Sometimes it can get a little stifling of RESPONSIBILITIES when your the only one working, so I sort of forced him to go to take a break. ;)

*There are some big changes in our future looming just ahead, including majors in school, career paths, financial situations...and of course the whole--adding-another-baby thing.

*Aiden started soccer! He's pretty excited about it, as am I! He can finally do boy things!

*I finally splurged on myself and bought a Vera Bradley bag! And I love it!

*We got to go to a very large kids clothing resale event in the "big city" and bought the new baby tons of gender neutral clothes, Aiden is also now stocked up on clothes until fall, I even found Melissa and Doug toys for super cheap! But the best purchase I found was a Vera Bradley diaper bag for $35!! (New ones cost between $60 and $110)

Ok enough babbling...here are some pictures I hope you enjoy!

Here I am at my baby shower...34 weeks pregnant!

The shower favors I made :)

Just some of our stash of cloth diapers for the new baby! Our outside clothesline wasn't quite ready to be used yet so the bathroom had to be ok :)

Hubby's new tattoo.

Aiden working hard at practicing :)

Happy Birthday My Son...

Aiden 3/1/08

Today, in exactly one hour, will mark 3 years from the moment we first welcomed Aiden into this world. I can't believe it's been that long already! As my impending birth is heavy on my mind all I think about is my past experience...the pain, the waiting, then finally getting to hold this perfect little boy in my arms.

In the past 3 years I've learned so much about children, boys/men, and myself and I have him to thank for it.

He's made me so angry I could scream, so happy I could cry, and cry just thinking about what life would be without him.

He's come such a long, long way in this short time and I can't wait to see how far he goes.

Happy Birthday my sweet boy! Mommy loves you more than you can imagine.
And I promise to remember to cherish those fleeting moments where you still want me to cuddle you, where you need help getting a cup down,
where you still need me.Aiden 3/1/11

Lamenting

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love living on our own schedule. I love being able to stay home with my child, even if sometimes financially it's not so nice. I love my husband and how far we've come together.

But sometimes I miss things.

I miss being with my husband for long stretches of time, uninterrupted.
I miss not caring what I eat because my teenage body's metabolism would take care of it for me.
I miss coffee.
I miss not being asked a million questions all day long.
I miss being taken care of.
I miss having that careless feeling, that I can do (almost) anything I wanted.
I miss behaving animals.

I could list a million other things I miss, but I won't. I've had my pity party. Now is the time to just look at what I would miss if I didn't have the life I have.

I would miss my son's hugs, no matter how stifling they can get.
I would miss rocking him to sleep just because he/I need it.
I would miss that getting-away-with-something feeling when my husband and I can steal a few moments just for us.
I would miss knowing that I take very good care of myself, because others depend on me.

I have to remember these things when that overwhelming feeling comes creeping back into my head. I have to have my moment, then carry on for the sake of those around me. I will be strong for my family, and know that one day tripping over toys will end, and how much I'll miss these days.

I'm lamenting for what I once had and lost, and what I have now and will lose.